The False Sense of Security We Get From Emotional Attachment.

emotional attachment
‘Pinning’ your hopes on something that can’t provide lasting support will bring disappointment

Attachment can be thought of as ‘an adhesion, ‘an affixation’, or ‘a fastening’. All of which hint at getting stuck . Or being dependent on something to help us hold something together.

So why do we get stuck to unhealthy feelings, thoughts or emotions?

Let me share with you my attachment to loneliness and how that played out on my teens and the comfort it gave me, or so I thought.

Like grabbing for a safety pin when the elastic in the waist of our workout pants suddenly breaks.  From a brief moment of panic rummaging  through our bag desperately hoping we will find that wonderful implement. To a sense of calm when we do, and pin folds of the waistband together so our pants are tight enough to stay up.

The need for the pin to do its job and not suddenly fly open, is paramount to sparing our embarrassment and getting home without anymore mishaps. And that very welcome sigh of relief as we walk through the door and can change into a more reliable pair. 

Using the safety pin as an attachment is a good thing.

Emotional attachment however is not such a good thing. It creates a dependence on someone other than our self and can let us down all the while we use to prop ourselves up.

Using emotional attachment as a fastening. In my case it took the form of a limpet.

Growing up feeling extremely lonely all through my teens I used emotional attachment to help me feel safe and liked. I acted like a limpet, attaching to anyone who showed me any kind of attention, good or bad. And that’s where it went wrong for me, I accepted unkind behaviour, disrespect, and bullying thinking that was better than being completely alone.

I was prepared to be treated badly rather than allow myself to feel the deep loneliness that swarmed around inside virtually non-stop which propelled me to harm myself this way. My outer shell was strong but inside I was scared, very scared of not being accepted for who I was.  My fear of loneliness and separation became my comfort zone, in that I used it unconsciously to make myself feel better by   constantly adjusting to fit in with others around me even though at times I hated myself for doing it. I allowed my emotional attachment to loneliness to dictate my teenage years. 

At a very dark point in my life at 20 when my heart was broken and suicidal thoughts filled my mind, I met my soul. I always knew it was there I had felt really strongly in my childhood years but I lost contact with it at 12 when loneliness suddenly took its place. But now it was there prompting me to ask for its help and guidance. Which I did most gratefully. 


soul and you are one

What my soul showed me was how the soul’s essence forms an unconditionally loving union with our human self. It threads itself thought every atom and cell of our body stamping its blueprint into our cellular memory. That blueprint is a roadmap of our joint learning and growth opportunities, and what we want to overcome this time around.  

As the soul’s essence intertwines with our human self an exquisite crystalline pattern forms, like a jigsaw puzzle with all pieces fully interlocked and interconnected. That wonderful pattern is you and me. Our unique selves, soul and human self at one. We feel safe and completely loved. We hear its presence of loving reassurance. We feel the brightness and joy of its light, which never goes out. It may grow dim as it did with me as I strayed into the darkness of loneliness. But it’s light is never extinguished.

That is until we experience fear.

Fearful experiences separate the pieces of the beautiful pattern. Think it like a jigsaw puzzle The puzzle starts to fall apart whereby the gaps may be small, Some of the sides of the pieces may still be slightly touching. Or the pieces completely separate where large gaps have formed in between.

The degree of the disconnect is affected by the severity of shock and trauma we experience and how badly we are affected. Some experiences can feel as if are soul has left, like loneliness and sadness. Or its been forcefully ejected from our body when we lose a loved one.  But the thread is still there. 

When fragmentation occurs our once beautiful pattern begins to fade as we separate from our ourselves by suppressing painful feelings. All our attention is focused on trying not to feel, and it’s through feeling that we have awareness of our soul. So we drift further as our attention remains firmly fixed outward looking for answers. Our inner peaceful world becomes a thing of the past as we forget about the wonderful comfort we used to have with our soul.

soul light

The once shining light of our soul grows dim as we turn our attention more and more to our fears. Sadly, we grow afraid of feeling and of being ourselves. No longer feeling one with our soul, we feel unsafe and unloved.

As we now get used to limiting beliefs, we start to believe them. After all they live in our minds dictating how we respond to life and to people.  

The roots of our fears go deeper and grow stronger the longer we believe them to be true and the longer we allow them to determine our life’s outcomes. We have accepted them and forgotten about them until an opportunity arises which asks us to step up out of our comfort zone, yes fears are a comfort zone keeping us small and safe, like when applying for that dream job. 

The long forgotten fear suddenly erupts and we fall apart at the interview or don’t even turn up for fear of rejection.

fearas deep roots

Attachment isn’t always what it seems

Our habits and behaviours continually reinforce the attachment. Like when we insist on always using stubbornness or being argumentative to stay safe; or use blame and judgment in order to feel strong and in control. It can result is co-dependency where we always look to our partner to resolve our issues or make them responsible for our happiness or just follow along too scared to design our path in life. 

We maybe craving for love. Yet when someone comes along who shows us love and wants to get into a relationship, we run away as fast as we can for fear of being seen or heard, or being taken advantage of; or not trusting of being respected.  

Attachments can keep us in emotional turmoil where we end up struggling with our self, beating our selves up, being disappointed the ew constantly keep ourselves down.  This battle just reinforces the attachment, Its like when we try and run from our fears. All we end up doing is running right in the arks of our fears in order to feel safe. 

Angela – emotionally attached to the fear of love

Angela craved for love but found herself constantly rejecting love whenever it showed up.

She just ran every time she tried to open up and show affection from her heart and not through her ego. She could hear the negative thoughts telling her this was not a safe thing to do. She realised her ego was trying to keep her safe but she desperately wanted to express herself feeling emotionally safe and for once and for all come to peace with her fears of being loved.  

Angela’s soul showed me the root cause of why she was always afraid, and why she was so was undecided about loving and had a deep mistrust of love.

The relationship with her mother was less than nurturing, warm and supportive.  It came with many conditions, mainly it dictated who Angela had to be and who she could not be.  The constant judgement went deep crippling any hope of Angela developing any real sense of self belief and self worth.  She grew up feeling very unworthy and unlovable.  The sharpness of her mothers criticism fragmented the connection with her soul in so many places. The energetic threads between her soul self and her human self had become very tangled which explained why the constant battle of wanting and rejecting love.  Her emotions were in full swing jumping back and forth when trying to display love.

Her fear was at its most worst and most destructive when she attempted to share her thoughts and feelings. She told me that she felt like she was under the spotlight, fully exposed with nowhere to hide. Angela was so scared that men would hate her when they got to know her better, so yet another reason to stay safe and run before a relationship had any real chance of developing. 

The need for her fears to once again make her feel safe, was more inviting than being in a relationship she so desperately wanted.

afraid of being alone

Angela’s ongoing battle with her attachment to her love patterns ensured her safety by keeping her on a constant merry go round of jumping in and out of relationships. On being shown the root cause, and what healing was needed to dissolve the originating trauma completely and the beliefs that had grown from her experiences of conditional love, I could see the little child enmeshed in her pain crying out “I want to be loved” I don’t want to be loved. ‘ I want to be seen. I don’t want to be seen.’  

That emotional response established in her childhood, imprinted in her cellular memory, played up in the adult Angela wanting love and then running from love.

Emotional attachment has its roots in many places.

Patterns of behaviour, love patterns and limiting beliefs that block our path to true unconditional love of ourself, and of others have their roots embedded in our childhood and family environment, from our experiences in the womb, from our ancestral line and past lives, all of which affect the relationship we have with our beautiful self.

To be free to love and be loved, to attract the love you want it, in the way you want and where your beautiful unique identity is strong and respected, recognise and acknowledge what you have become attached to that is choking your chances of a fulfilling and enriching relationship with yourself and your significant other. The following short list can help get you started.

What are your emotional attachments telling you?

1. Do you look to others to make me happy?

2. Do you often say to your partner, “I am happy if you are happy?’

3. Do you use arguments as a way of getting your own way or helping you to feel in control?

4. Do you keep attracting the wrong men who let you down, or don’t show up after the first date, or take advantage of your generosity?

5. Do you feel you are keeping part of yourself back (safe) when being intimate?

6. Do you check up on your partner, like their social media, phone, email?

7. Are you easily put off by others opinions when pursuing your dreams?

8. Do you easily communicate your healthy needs, desires and wants or tip toe around the subject wary of the response you may receive?

9. Do you find yourself a people pleaser, constantly trying the maintain the peace and keep others happy? 

10. How do you feel inside when you really connect through feeling/imagining your ideal love relationship? Hearing negative thoughts jumping in? Feeling any doubt?   What do you honestly feel in your body?

Time to get untangled from your fears. 

Click edit button to change this text. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Ut elit tellus, luctus nec ullamcorper mattis, pulvinar dapibus leo.

If you would like help to come to peace with the past and be rid of limiting beliefs, fears, unhealthy attachments and inherited patterns book a free breakthrough session here and I look forward to helping you reconnect to the real you. To heal l once and for all, those issue that deny you access to the love that is your birthright and is without condition.

About Sandy Hounsell

My speciality is turning your pain into power...

Since 2001 I have been helping transform women’s and men’s lives in healing the trauma experienced through abuse, by dissolving the root cause and the manifestation of those experiences like unhealthy relationships, anxiety, depression, self sabotaging behaviours, repetitive patterns that has disconnected you, from the Real You...Read More >

Popular Posts

Get Social

Contact Me @

+44 (7) 958 363 438