More about my journey from pain to joyful love…
If you have the time
I’d like to share more of my story with you of how I came out of the darkest moments in my life and met my beautiful soulmate, whom I have been married to for 38 years.
I had spent all my early life hanging out with my brothers as we moved around a lot. The oldest two formed serious relationships when I was 11 going on 12 and I found myself forming a very close and beautiful relationships with my younger brother Nick and we became very close over the years. At the same time though, I suddenly felt abandoned and extremely lonely. This plagued me for 7 years. I did a lot of soul searching, asking, reading, researching Jung, Buddhism, life after death to find answers.
Wasn’t sure what I was looking for exactly until at 19. I’m in a pub with friends in deep discussion about life and relationships when I suddenly shouted at the top of my voice. “I got it’ “I understand”. the pub full of people just stared at me thinking I was bonkers or drunk maybe. In that moment everything made sense and I felt so safe and so joyful, whole and complete.
Two weeks later , in 1972 Nick got killed in a car accident.
I fell apart
I felt as if my soul had been ripped out of me, like I had lost half of myself. Six months hiding at home, not going out, meditating, praying, reading to find answers to his death did not take away the intense pain. And what I had found a few weeks prior to his death now seemed lost to me, and I had to start all over again but this time from a place of feeling totally in pieces.
I contemplated suicide. I went in to panic wondering how I could cope with going a lifetime without seeing Nick or holding him in my arms. The loss of a loved one has got to be the most excruciatingly painful and despairing experience.
I sat in a spiritual development circle for many years studying mediumship, spiritual healing and psychometry to help understand what life, relationships, and love was all about it. I really needed to understand in order to move on with my life and make sense of it all.
But in all of this I did slowly come back to find myself and I discovered the deep inner strength who I called god, was in fact my soul; the centre of my complete being. So I set about learning the road map between the soul, the mind and the body.
Over many years developing my healing gifts, more study and training, I experienced incredible spiritual insights and had amazing spiritual experiences that were mind blowing and which confirmed what I had always trusted and believed in. This beautiful loving being resided in each one of us could heal our pain and reconnect us to our core identity, our true nature of a divine being.
But not content with 3 dark periods of my life, yes there was another. I married, unknowingly, an alcoholic and left him after 4 years when I was 8 months pregnant.
I had contemplated suicide when Nick died, and during the emotional turmoil of my first marriage and again in 1998 when I suffered a nervous breakdown. I had got caught up in a very negative corporate environment which for me was utterly destructive affecting me so badly I had a breakdown.
This time I experienced my life falling apart in yet another way. I could see that I was dismantling myself, in order to find my true self and not allow negativity to destroy me. There were times when in deep despair I could feel my cells dying and telling me to stop this slow death and find my way out.
As always I meditated as best I could between dark foreboding thoughts and almost manic highs and I did a hell of a lot of healing with my soul. Eventually I found my way home once again.
The breakdown was the best thing to happen to me because I realised I didn’t need to experience anymore emotional pain of this nature. I had learnt what I needed to learn, at that time ( there is always learning) about the inter-connection of the emotions and the soul and how emotional pain creates a disconnection from our soul, our self.
Depending on the severity of the trauma we experience, the disconnect can be small like scattered fragments of an egg, ‘shell shock’ or extreme where it feels as if we have departed from our body, and we are ‘hanging on’ by a thread; walking alone in the dark, lost forever. I obviously wanted to learn what these extremes felt like in order to better help others.
These were nightly occurrences that had me fighting for my life. But I got there and found my way out of the maze. Only to realise that I had been putting off starting my healing business for too long and regardless of what happened that is what I was intent on doing.
I didn’t care about the security of a 6 figure salary. Up to this point all the healing work I had done, I did for love. I knew I had to heal others , not in parallel to my career as I had been doing but instead of it.
I learnt to see myself during the panic attacks from another place and the road map which was quickly filling up with new information. I couldn’t put it off any longer and I came up with my Soul Integration system and I started my healing business helping people with relationship issues and with depression and anxiety.
In reflection my initial learning was a truly emotional one (anxiety), rejection, abandonment and loss of a loved one to feeling utterly alone and lost. This was followed by relationships; my first marriage and then experiencing life as a single parent.
But then I met my soulmate
A few years later when I was 31, got married 3 weeks later, and he had been away for 2 of those weeks on a trip, and here we are still together 38 years later.
Soul mate relationships open up a whole new level of learning about interpersonal connection and navigating relationships.
With our our soulmate, our souls present the opportunity to dig deep to ensure we uncover the true person we are to live in alignment as our soul.
It takes some adjustment and a lot of naturing the relationship as an individual in it’s own right. Our souls asks us to completely allow another in, becoming as one, whilst at the same time cementing our unique individual self more openly and more strongly.
The soulmate relationship, which I see as an egg, beckons us to step into it to love as a couple unconditionally, whilst we grow in uniqueness outside of the egg.
So “as we grow together as one, we grow apart as unique beautiful individuals’.
Another wonderful nugget of wisdom came my way …
“no matter how dark it gets, we always have an inbuilt roadmap that will show us the way out to reach higher states of being”
Some years later from working in a very negative environment, which threw up almost a daily round of mini shocks to full on tremors which took me into a very steep downward spiral. I was at the bottom of a large black hole with no way out and the thought of suicide surfaced again. But this time that very thought was my saviour. It gave me the motivation to climb out and not just get back but to climbed higher than I have ever climbed before. My efforts culminating a few years later meeting my beautiful soul and I truly felt like I had come home at last.
The sensation of bliss filling my whole body took me on yet another journey which gifted me a huge insights into the connection between our soul, our emotions, thoughts and our physical body. On of which was that we are continually building road maps within ourselves, so no matter how far we stray from our true self, no matter how dark it gets, we always have a map we can follow to get back. I was shown we will often take ourselves down to depths of despair, or emptiness in order to find our true self. We don’t need to though, by the way, it’s just something we choose to do to in order to pull up all the parts of ourself that have become lost and disconnected, so we might reconnect and realign with soul, our true self and feel at one.
Self Relationship – the most important of all
This also taught me that the most important thing to remain focussed on without distraction is on ourself. The relationship you have with yourself is the most precious of all, and when that’s healthy, our mind is healthy, our life is healthy, and our precious relationships are healthy and fulfilling.
You Can Talk To Me
If you relate to any of what I have shared with you and need help to get out of the rut of relationships that don’t work for you, then contact me today and you too can have the love life that you want.