Making Friends With Anger …this is a long one so maybe get yourself a cuppa before you start reading.
Anger is the unannounced visitor that keeps dropping in, again and again. We get angry at our partners, our children, the man at the dry cleaner’s, the woman cutting us off on the motorway, our boss who just doesn’t understand, the neighbour’s dog for barking too much. We get angry, but we rarely understand why.
Some of us hide, hoping this troublesome guest will go away. Others let it take over, which just leaves us even angrier, without friends, where we feel isolated, alone, and misunderstood. As Natalie Reilly noted in here article on the topic
“I thought I had ‘anger issues’ – but the real culprit was anxiety…
It dawned on me that my anger – once directed at semi-noble pursuits – was now lurching at anything that crossed my path.”
However there is another way.
We can make friends with our anger and try to understand what makes it tick; where it comes from and why it erupts so suddenly and unexpectedly without warning.
By so doing, we create an opportunity to learn about ourselves, and so make real, lasting changes in all our relationships and all aspects of our lives.
In this blog we explore what Anger is, and look at some techniques to address the root causes of your anger to
Anger is a powerful Emotion
Anger is one of the most powerful emotions, and deemed to be one of the most difficult to deal with.
It’s also probably the least understood.
But for me anger is highlighting a deeper issue of hurt or pain, or even trauma that is still unresolved. I have come to understand in the work that I do in coaching and healing of relationships, that it is the underlying issue that is difficult for us to deal with.
Rather than working with the anger, we push it down even deeper.
We get so used to burying the pain we end up making excuses as to why we feel the way we do. This behaviour of emotional survival forms and unconscious habit that runs in the background of our mind, like a virus program. This not not only intensifies the hidden pain, but also forms other behaviours that in no way reflect are authentic self.
When anger is left unchecked one day it will start to surface, maybe in many areas of our life, causing hurt and damage. It can destroy our relationships, especially the one that we have with our self. Along with damaging our health and career prospects.
Buried emotions will definitely show themselves eventually in some form or another when triggered by some event or by what someone says.
We are souls expressing our self through the human journey and as such we will find avenues in which to release our inner pain and suffering.
Our soul of which our human self is part will assist in bringing these deeper issues to our conscious awareness by bringing opportunities which provide an avenue for healing and hence personal growth.
We are not responsible for what happens to us as children. We can’t control our circumstances or our environment, or the emotional scarring that occurs. But as adults we do have choice to change the way we feel and the way we react to life.
You and I both can decide to own our inner feelings and emotions and take personal action to heal, and get back in control. A life ruled by anger is a very lonely life which can lead to more anger and disappoinment.
Embracing the Anger
The next time you get angry or feel it surfacing – embrace it; make friends with it and let it show you the underlying issue. Find out what beliefs are fuelling the anger and holding its roots firmly in place in your subconscious mind.
Maybe you grew up in a household with angry parents; where anger was the norm of expression.
You may have felt lonely spending a lot of time alone which left you feeling unloved, and insecure. By understanding where your anger comes from, you give yourself the key to freedom from this crippling emotion.
When you venture inward and investigate your personal inner story, the anger can sometimes simply dissolve. But you may also need help to heal the weeds that grew into the anger you frequently display. By inquiring deep within you offer yourself the chance to feel and express the joys of love.
Techniques to Help Resolve Feelings of Anger
1. Connecting to the Emotion – Learning not to Fear It
Allowing your self to connect with, and feel the anger can help to resolve it. There is a part of you that wants to be heard which you may have unknowingly been ignoring for many years.
Sense, feel and listen to the emotion. Ask:
- why are you here?
- what do you want from me?
- what can I do to help you?
The answers may not be what you think.
As you tune in to the feeling write down what pops into your mind. Write about the anger as if it is talking to you. Get to know it and so be less afraid of it. Journalling can help you in building trust with your true feelings hiding under the anger. This also assists you in getting to know your self more as you gain insight.
With clarity and insight comes confidence and inner strength that gradually diminishes the grip of the anger and its influence over your behaviours. Inner wisdom also provides you greater openings for healing.
So close your eyes and feel the anger. Notice where where it is in your body.
Notice its size and intensity.
Focus only on the feeling and nothing else.
Go into it and allow your mind to connect with it.
Always stay focused where it is the most intense.
Unconsciously you may try to hide it by moving it around your body to distract yourself from the real issue. Stay with the feeling until it subsides.
Write down what you learnt. Also jot down what actions you are going to take.
- What was your immediate reaction when you first connected to the feeling?
- Was it to run away, to hide, to get angrier?
- Did your mind remind you of another time in your life?
Use this information to help you drive an action plan and commitment to heal.
Understanding your Beliefs that Trigger the Anger
By looking at your beliefs around your anger, can be both surprising and very enlightening.
Seeing what thought patterns are holding the anger in place presents you with more choice, whereby you get to clean up beliefs built around judgement or lack of self worth.
To illustrate with a brief example:
Take a mother who is constantly yelling at her child to pick up her clothes and finding her self getting very angry in the process. By going into the feeling of the anger and connecting with it, the mother may well find that below the anger sits a real sense of feeling isolated, alone, not listened to. Or she may hear the distant echo of her own mother’s voice yelling at her when she was very young. She may also uncover beliefs around the anger such as, “children must be controlled, kept in check”, “children must be punished”, “my life would be happier if the people I lived with weren’t so messy”, “if I don’t keep the house tidy my husband will be angry with me”.
Maybe her relationship isn’t how she hoped it to be and is afraid to express her true feelings.
Until we go within we will be none the wiser and we deny our self the opportunity for healthy change.
Anger definitely separates us from Our Self.
The soul has shown me that many gaps exist within us, and that these spaces are results of painful emotions that have not been released.
Those emotions, formed as a result through fear and trauma are like a weed whose roots are firmly embedded in our physical body as well as in our mind. They choke our ability to embrace our selves wholeheartedly and lovingly.
So by tracing the origin of the anger, you can both uncover the root cause and take action as to how and when you want to heal the underlying cause.
All these weeds that are choking your ability to be happy, fulfilled and content, can be rooted out and dissolved for good. If you need help, seek that help.
The process of inner discovery does not have to be a traumatic experience when you venture inward.
Just take your time. Be kind to yourself and know that you are uncovering the absolute wonder of who you are. Your magnificent self is in there!
Don’t let damaging thoughts and emotions fester when they ruin your chances of happiness. You deserve to be happy and feel fulfilled.
You deserve love and to feel cherished and respected for who you are.
You can maintain a happy, joyful and fruitful life. We all can. It’s our birthright!
Know too, that you are a real gift to our world.
2. Remaining Calm
This technique can also be used at any time to help quell the anger until you have time and a place to go into the emotion.
When our minds are filled with worry, stress, and overwhelm, we operate from an emotional part of our mind. This prevents us from making decisions or taking actions that serve our best interest. It is easy to lose confidence during stressful times. We just don’t know which way to turn.
Experiences of anger and feeling overwhelmed can happen at any time in our life. It serves us well to take steps to calm ourselves during these times.
Stop and Take Stock
Even though you may be having a bad day or even a bad week, you can think of many people and things you are grateful for.
Focusing on those we love and what is good in our lives is a powerful way of controlling our body’s response to stress and keeping things in check.
Breathe Deeply and Slowly with Focus
This ancient practice of breathing deeply and slowly with focus instantly reduces stress and allows us to tap into our creative energy. And from our creative resources, we can find the solutions we need.
Know what you can influence and assist without being controlling and that which is outside your immediate sphere
Make a list of the things that overwhelm you or make you angry.
Then put a check by the things you can influence and commit to letting them go and trusting in the divine to guide you.
Review the other things on your list and acknowledge that you cannot control these items.
Take another look at these particular issues and accept that as they are outside of your control, you can step back and detach. After all, what would be the point in holding on?
3. Connect into your Soul, your Higher Self
Focus on your heart chakra and imagine or sense a rose there. Open your petals slowly with your mind until the flower is fully opened.
Go into the centre of the rose by imagining the beautiful soft petals that form a warm blanket, surround you in calm.
Then imagine the centre of the rose filling with bright iridescent light. Walk into the light and when in its centre breathe it in imagining that your body is like a sponge, and you are drawing in that light into every pore of your body.
As you begin to relax, ask your Soul to enter into your mind and body to calm all of your body and especially your mind. As you speak to your Soul ask that you also draw on its infinite loving power to fill every cell with the feeling of being loved and supported. Request insight into why you are feeling so overwhelmed.
Stay awhile to experience your soul energy as it envelops you in its loving embrace.
You will notice a difference. It can feel like you are merging within yourself, drawing in deeper to a calm, safe place. You may also find that your inner child requires some of your loving attention.
4. Daily Communion with your Soul
Speak to your soul daily. It is your ultimate guide who will always assist you with whatever you require. Daily communion opens the doors of your mind to trust, to detach from any and all external distractions and be present with your true Self.
Each one of us, as Souls we have a wonderful gift to express the love of Creation through each one of us. Our Souls are continually growing and expanding our conscious awareness, and in that growth, negative thoughts, beliefs and behaviours will come to our attention for healing and resolution, as our inner (soul) light throws a bright light upon your inner dysfunction.