Making Friends With Anger …this is a long one so maybe get yourself a cuppa before you start reading.

Anger is the unannounced visitor that keeps dropping in, again and again.  We get angry at our partners, our children, the man at the dry cleaner’s, the woman cutting us off on the motorway, our boss who just doesn’t understand, the neighbour’s dog for barking too much. We get angry, but we rarely understand why.

Some of us hide, hoping this troublesome guest will go away. Others let it take over, which just leaves us even angrier, without friends, where we feel isolated, alone, and misunderstood. As Natalie Reilly noted in here article on the topic

“I thought I had ‘anger issues’ – but the real culprit was anxiety…

 It dawned on me that my anger – once directed at semi-noble pursuits – was now lurching at anything that crossed my path.”

Natalie Reilly, SMH

However there is another way. 

We can make friends with our anger and try to understand what makes it tick; where it comes from and why it erupts so suddenly and unexpectedly without warning.

By so doing, we create an opportunity to learn about ourselves, and so make real, lasting changes in all our relationships and all aspects of our lives.

In this blog we explore what Anger is, and look at some techniques to address the root causes of your anger to

making-friends-with-angerAnger is a powerful Emotion

Anger is one of the most powerful emotions, and deemed to be one of the most difficult to deal with.

It’s also probably the least understood.

But for me anger is highlighting a deeper issue of hurt or pain, or even trauma that is still unresolved. I have come to understand in the work that I do in coaching and healing of relationships, that it is the underlying issue that is difficult for us to deal with.

Rather than working with the anger, we push it down even deeper.

We have got so used to burying the pain and we end up making excuses as to why we feel the way we do.  This behaviour of emotional survival forms and unconscious habit that runs in the background of our mind like a software virus program, which not only intensifies the hidden pain, but also forms other behaviours that in no way reflect who we truly are.

When anger is left unchecked and we do seek healing it day one day it will start to surface, maybe in many areas of our life, causing hurt and damage,  maybe even destroying our relationships, especially the one that we have with our self, as well as damaging our health and career prospects.

Buried emotions will definitely show themselves eventually in some form or another and that is simply because of who we are.

We are souls expressing our self through the human journey and as such we will find avenues in which to release our inner pain and suffering. 

Our soul of which our human self is part will assist in bringing these deeper issues to our conscious awareness by laying out situations (opportunities) along our path that provide us the gift of healing and personal growth. The trouble is, as habitual humans taught through our conditioning, is to immediately react and not see the opportunity on offer. Often our tendency is to blame others and not take ownership for our own ‘baggage’.

Although we are not responsible for what happens to us as children, and we can’t control our circumstances or our environment; and although many of us are emotionally scarred in our childhood, as adults we do have choice to change the way we feel and the way we act.

And you and I both can decide to own our inner feelings and emotions and take personal action to change, to heal, and be in control.   Not have anger rule our life and determining our outcomes. 

Embracing the Anger

The next time you get angry or feel it surfacing – embrace it; make friends with it and let it show you the underlying issue. Find out what beliefs are fuelling the anger and holding its roots firmly in place in your subconscious mind.

Maybe you grew up in a household with angry parents; where anger was the norm of expression and you know no other way of expression.

Maybe you moved a lot as a child and your parents didn’t form a deep emotional bond with you, which left you feeling unloved, insecure and lacking trust. By understanding where your anger comes from, opens a door through which you can walk to freedom … to emotional freedom.

When you venture inward and investigate your personal inner story, the anger can sometimes simply dissolve. But you may also need help to heal the weeds. But by inquiring within you create avenues – new ways to transform and heal your anger.

Techniques to Help Resolve Feelings of Anger

1. Connecting to the Emotion – Learning not to Fear It

Allowing your self to connect with, and feel the anger can help it resolve.  There is a part of you that wants to be heard which you may have unknowingly been ignoring for many years … that deeply buried cause.

By connecting, by feeling the anger you give it voice and become more aware of the ‘why’ and the real reason it is causing disruption. So listen and sense, become more aware of – ‘why the anger’ , and ‘where is it coming from’. It may not be what you think.

By sensing, feeling and listening to the emotion and focusing your mind only on the emotion, you will be able to sense the thoughts coming from the anger, and so uncover more of the issue and real reason the anger is there.

As you ‘listen in’ more, write down the thoughts that pop into your mind.  Make a note of what they are as you may forget. The process of writing down, putting these thoughts outside of yourself, can help you in building trust; trust of what you are feeling and thinking.  This also assists you in getting to know your self more as you gain insight and clarity of your inner struggle.

With clarity and insight comes confidence and inner strength that gradually diminishes the grip of the anger and its influence over your behaviours.  Inner wisdom also provides you greater openings for healing.

So close your eyes and feel the anger.  Notice where where it is in your body.

Notice its size and intensity.

Focus only on the feeling and nothing else.

Go into it and allow your mind to connect with it.

Always stay focused where it is the most intense.

Unconsciously you may try to hide it by moving it around your body to distract yourself from the real issue. Stay with the feeling until it subsides.

Write down what you learnt. Also jot down what actions you are going to take.

  • What was your immediate reaction when you first connected to the feeling?
  • Was it to run away, to hide, to get angrier?
  • Did your mind remind you of another time in your life?

Use this information to help you drive an action plan and commitment to heal.

 Understanding your Beliefs that Trigger the Anger

By looking at your beliefs around your anger,  can be both surprising and very enlightening.

Seeing what thought patterns are holding the anger in place presents you with more choice, whereby you get to clean up negative thinking and any beliefs built around judgement or lack of self worth.

To illustrate with a brief example:

Take a mother who is constantly yelling at her child to pick up her clothes and finding her self getting very angry in the process. By going into the feeling of the anger and connecting with it, the mother may well find that below the anger sits a real sense of feeling isolated, alone, not being listened to, or she  may hear the distant echo of her own mother’s voice yelling at her when she was very young. She may also uncover beliefs around the anger such as, “children must be controlled, kept in check”, “children must be punished”, “my life would be happier if the people I lived with weren’t so messy”, “if I don’t keep the house tidy my husband will be angry with me”.

Maybe her relationship isn’t how she hoped it to be and is afraid to express her true feelings.

Until we go within we will be none the wiser and we deny our self the opportunity for healthy change.

Anger definitely separates us from Our Self.

The soul has shown me that many gaps exist within us, and that these spaces are results of painful emotions that have not been released.

Those emotions, formed as a result through fear and trauma are like a weed whose roots are firmly embedded in our physical body as well as in our mind and which choke our ability to embrace our selves wholeheartedly and lovingly.

So by tracing the origin of the anger, you can both uncover the root cause and take action as to how and when you want to heal the underlying cause.

All these weeds that are choking your ability to be happy, fulfilled and content, can be rooted out and dissolved for good. If you need help, seek that help.

The process of inner discovery does not have to be a traumatic experience when you venture inward.

Just take your time. Be kind to yourself and know that you are uncovering the absolute wonder of who you are. Your magnificent self is in there!

Don’t let damaging thoughts and emotions fester when they ruin your chances of happiness. You deserve to be happy and feel fulfilled.

You deserve love and to feel cherished and respected for who you are.

You can maintain a happy, joyful and fruitful life. We all can. It’s our birthright!

Know too, that you are a real gift to our world.

2. Remaining Calm

This technique can also be used at any time to help quell the anger until you have time and a place to go into the emotion.

When our minds are filled with worry, stress, and overwhelm, we operate from an emotional part of our mind that prevents us from making decisions or taking actions that serve our best interest. It is easy to lose confidence during stressful times. We just don’t know which way to turn.

Experiences of anger and feeling overwhelmed can happen at any time in our life. It serves us well to take steps to calm ourselves during these times.

Stop and Take Stock

Even though you  may be having a bad day or even a bad week, you can think of many people and things you are grateful for.

Focusing on those we love and what is good in our lives is a powerful way of controlling our body’s response to stress and keeping things in check.

Breathe Deeply and Slowly with Focus

This ancient practice of breathing deeply and slowly with focus instantly reduces stress and allows us to tap into our creative energy.  And from our creative resources, we can find the solutions we need.

Know what you can influence and assist without being controlling and that which is outside your immediate sphere

Make a list of the things that overwhelm you or make you angry.

Then put a check by the things you can influence and commit to letting them go and trusting in the divine to guide you.

Review the other things on your list and acknowledge that you cannot control these items.

Take another look at these particular issues and accept that as they are outside of your control, you can step back and detach. After all, what would be the point in holding on?

Connect into your Soul, your Higher Self

Focus on your heart chakra and imagine or sense a rose there. Open your petals slowly with your mind until the flower is fully opened.

Go into the centre of the rose by imagining the beautiful soft petals that form a warm blanket, surround you in calm.

Then imagine the centre of the rose filling with bright iridescent light. Walk into the light and when in its centre breathe it in imagining that your body is like a sponge, and you are drawing in that light into every pore of your body.

As you begin to relax, ask your Soul to enter into your mind and body to calm all of your body and especially your mind. As you speak to your Soul ask that you also draw on its infinite loving power to fill every cell with the feeling of being loved and supported. Request insight into why you are feeling so overwhelmed.

Stay awhile to experience your soul energy as it envelops you in its loving embrace.

You will notice a difference. It can feel like you are merging within yourself, drawing in deeper to a calm, safe place. You may also find that your inner child requires some of your loving attention.

Daily Communion with your Soul

Speak to your soul daily. It is your ultimate guide who will always assist you with whatever you require. Daily communion opens the doors of your mind to trust, to detach from any and all external distractions and be present with your true Self.

Each one of us, as Souls we have a wonderful gift to express the love of Creation through each one of us. Our Souls are continually growing and expanding our conscious awareness, and in that growth, negative thoughts, beliefs and behaviours will come to our attention for healing and resolution, as our inner (soul) light throws a bright light upon your inner dysfunction.




Is it time to dissolve your anger and get your life back for good?

Download our free report,  or get in touch with Sandy today. 

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About Sandy Hounsell

My speciality is turning your pain into power...

Since 2001 I have been helping transform women’s and men’s lives in healing the trauma experienced through abuse, by dissolving the root cause and the manifestation of those experiences like unhealthy relationships, anxiety, depression, self sabotaging behaviours, repetitive patterns that has disconnected you, from the Real You...Read More >

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